In honour of this new year that is upon us, I’m going to share two of the greatest pieces of advice I have ever received. This isn’t life altering stuff that will make you all zen or whatever, but it’s still good advice. So listen up.

The first bit was given to me by my late grandfather. For unnecessary context, my grandfather founded his own business, and was married to my grandmother for like a billion years or however long. A while, anyway. I lived with them while I was going to a school near-ish to their home. One time, when I was going out one night, my grandfather said to me, “Dan,” he said, “don’t do anything I wouldn’t do, were I capable of doing it.” He was 80-something at the time, so if he hadn’t added in that final caveat, he would have limited me considerably. But I think that was the point of the advice he was trying to give, which was do things, any things, while you’re still young enough and capable enough to do them. You might get old, you might get sick, or injured, or dead, and then all the opportunities for doing will be gone. So I think the “don’t” part of his little maxim there was facetious, and he was trying to get me to live my life.

The next bit of advice that has stuck with me was given to me by a wise old prostitute. This is a woman who has experienced life in ways unfathomable to most people. To those wondering, no, I didn’t pay for this advice nor any pre or post-advice delights. Anyway, this wise old prostitute said to me, “Dan,” she said, “always bring two condoms.” Now this might just seem like basic, practical advice, but I believe it can be generalized to apply to other, non-sexual life events. Don’t let trivial things get in the way of having an amazing time. I mean bringing two condoms is showing a little forethought, which is always smart too, but I prefer to think of this advice in terms of if something has gone wrong, and there is a simple thing like not having a condom stopping you from an otherwise orgasmic time, then don’t get hung up on it. The first condom malfunctioned, so what? Persevere. There are always 24 hour drug stores.

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